...The Way You Look Tonight

I done you wrong: in my halfshit description of the battle of Antietam, I said the Union XII Corps was held in abeyance for the battle. In fact, the XIIth fought strongly and bravely on the Yankee right, and was soundly punished for its efforts

I sincerely apologize to the valiant XIIth, and to you, loyal reader, for this error.

Most of Fitz John Porter's Vth, and all of Franklin's VIth, were kept in reserve - 20,500 men.

Porter was a McClellan confidante, supporter, and lover. Okay, maybe not that last.

Shortly after McClellan spent a month sitting in Sharpsburg, while Lee not only withdrew but rebuilt his army, he was relieved of his command and sent to his house (literally). Fitz John Porter was court-martialed for disobeying Pope's orders during the slaughter of his army at Second Bull Run and cashiered.

Good riddance.

We have 22 close relatives (hominids) dating back some 7 million years. There are doubtless more, but the fossil record from about 8 m.y. to 6 m.y. ago is very sparse.

This is not linear descent: two or more species most often occurred concurrently. For instance, Neanderthals shared Europe with Cro-Magnons (now known as AMH's, Anatomically Modern Humans) for nearly 10,000 years. That's a bit. 10,000 years ago, Northern Indiana was covered in ice. 2 miles of ice. That ice "sheet" (a two-mile thick sheet?) brought every "granite" looking rock, from pea- sized to larger than a house (they're here) from Canada, from an area known today as the Canadian Shield. Big flat spot. Used to be mountains. Redistributed into the Midwest. By water.

By 1 1/2 m.y. ago, our appearance was distinctly human.

Think we are the be-all and end-all?

Please reconsider.

Neanderthal man had a larger brain. Maybe if we had larger brains, no one would vote Republican.

And no one has yet determined what, if anything, makes your brain different from Jeffrey Dahmer's, or Adolf Hitler's, or Charlie Manson's, or George Bush Junior's.

Except Junior's is the size of a walnut and cased in concrete.

Think that homo erectus is good stuff? Think our upright, two-legged posture is the cat's ass?

Well, we spent $17.2 BILLIONS on hip and knee surgery.

In 2009.

While our population grew at about one percent, hip and knee surgeries grew by almost 11%.

Useful tools, those joints.

What do you do with your arms when you got to bed? The best thing would be to take them off and put them somewhere handy, because they just aren't good slumber company.

And the way we look: you don't have to visit a jail, or a WalMart, to know we're a hideous lot. Surgery was developed to help the people most horribly disfigured, Joseph Merrick and such.

But what could lead to more normal lives became "elective", where vain darlings are nipped and tucked and tugged and pulled and smoothed, padding removed and transplanted and added. Like a fucking couch. All at the expense of those in desperate need of repair, who often can't afford procedures as the monied have priced them out of the "I am not an animal!" corrective market.

Hey, Cher! Make-up does wonders! Although it won't attach your boobs to your collar bone.
Ever seen Cameron Diaz au natural, as it were? My face would have made Joe Merrick feel better about his affliction, but Cameron couldn't pay me enough...

Does anyone doubt that, without a team of cosmetics artists, Lindsey Lohan wakes up looking just like every other crack whore in her cellblock?

So how do we look like tonight?

Like remodelled apes.

That it no way implies "improved". Want to see nobility, elegance, stoicism and serenity? Take a long look at a Silverback Gorilla. And hurry. We are hellbent to kill them all.

A last comment about McClellan and the battle of Antietam. Lee dictated a detailed timetable for all his troops for the days which culminated at Antietam, September 17th, 1862. Apparently, a copy of "Special Orders, No. 191", was recovered by Cpl. Barton W. Mitchell, Co. F, 12th Indiana, on September 13.

The Special Orders directed the movements of Lee's entire army. It was delivered to McClellan in late morning the next day. McClellan then provided resistance to Lee's every move, although not in sufficient strength to create much but harassment and hindrance.

In the hands of Lee, similar information would have led to a crushing blow to the Federal Army. With the caution and and delay which marked McClellans' truncated career, this historically singular opportunity was wasted. Lee was a bit befuddled that McClellan seemed to know exactly what he was doing, but, again, the damage was not critical.

Cpl. Mitchell was returned to his unit, where he was wounded on Tuesday, along with thousands of his brothers-in-arms, on the Bloodiest Day in US history, in a battle that could have been avoided.

In contrast, the sternest general in the war, Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, sent Pvt. William Hood up a tall hickory to reconnoiter. He was told to count flags, and called them out to Old Jack, as Yankee Sharpshooters zeroed in. Some days later, Hood's comrades saw him riding a horse with the staff, having been promoted to brigade courier for his service.

The Union's cause was right: its leadership was woefully wrong.

Lost, Now and Then

At an intersection of two country roads, neither of which anyone ever uses except for the very locals and the hopelessly lost, a woman in an SUV flagged me down.

She was trying to end-run the reservoir, and, particularly, the SR 13 bridge. She explained that following a stroke, she experiences vertigo (my term) when crossing high bridges.

She had come up from Paoli, and had been on the road over 4 hours. Her destination was just over the bridge, and several (less than 10) miles.

Here is a problem: Mississinewa Lake is a flood-control reservoir, and there is one bridge downstream, Red Bridge, which is higher, longer, and more narrow than the SR 13 span. And there is the dam, which is higher and twice as long as either.

Downstream is a morass of twisting, narrow lanes and gravel roads.

I finally convinced her to go back to the highway and give it a try. I led her out of the wilderness and back to SR 13, and then stopped and gave her the most helpful advice, to set the cruise control and close her eyes.

Of course, since I have nothing better to do than re-examine everything I say and do, today I came up with two better ideas.

One would be to go around to the bridge on SR 124, just east of Peru. This bridge is only a few hundred yards from where the Mississinewa dumps into the Wabash River, and is surprisingly mundane.

Still a problem: I couldn't give Rand or McNally directions to find this bridge, and driving there would have cost her about 30 minutes and me, 50.

The other great, late, idea would have been to park on the south end of the SR 13 bridge, drive her across, then walk back. Too bad for the nice lady that didn't occur yesterday.

She said she was going to turn the radio up and pray. Godspeed, ma'am.

As a Kindergarten Civil War student, I am almost embarrassed to comment on the people who history remembers. Scholars spend decades poring over century-old accounts and diaries.

I read a couple of books.

My opinions most surely mirror those of the authors of the contemporary tellings I have read.

Stephen Sears is my favorite, and he has a low opinion of the war record of Union General George McClellan, and so do I.

McClellan was a Philadelphia blueblood who was allowed to attend West Point at age 15 and graduated second in the class of 1846. "In the day", as they say on "Pawn Stars", West Point made engineers, not warriors. McClellan completed his bellicose education with an intensive study of Napoleon and his tactics, capped with a field trip to Europe.

McClellan was called the Young Napoleon, but there was a disconnect. Lincoln referred to his "case of the slows". A poem, "Tardy George" was widely circulated.

The Young Napoleon viewed war in terms of the decisive battles of his namesake. He required an overwhelming advantage, chose every battle as the end-all, the victory to end the war. He abhorred loss of life, and strove to limit it by careful preparation and tactics.

This last is admirable, but the advancements in weaponry (read: savagery) rendered Napoleon's proven tactics suicidal, the battle lines subject to annihilation.

The reason: rifling. Rifling is grooving the inside (bore) of the gun barrel to impart spin to the projectile, vastly improving accuracy. Prior to rifling, a 3" bullseye at 30 yards was perfect - everything worked. Misses were caused by imperfections in the ball, the same reason pitchers (using a baseball's stitches) can throw a curve.

Firing a Minie' (minnie) ball, even refitted muskets were accurate to 200 yards, 300 yards, and further. Overgrown BB guns were transformed into uber-efficient killing machines.

How efficient? Consider: the Revolutionary War accounted for an estimated 10,600 American casualties (killed and wounded). The Civil War battle of Antietam produced 12,600 casualties - in the Morning Phase. That's one of three phases. (The day's total: 22,700. Killed or wounded. One fucking day.)

Granted, two of the major Colonist victories were in terms of survival. One being the winter at Valley Forge, the other the successful withdrawal (retreat) after the defeat at the battle of Long Island (aka the battle of Brooklyn). Both were directed by General George Washington.

Battle lines are most basic: selecting a patch of ground to defend, and forming a line wide enough do it. Attackers must form in a line sufficient to confront the defensive line. To come up short on either end, or fail to protect those four ends, risks being "flanked", attacked on a "thin" end and rolled over. (Thin, because the lines were necessarily thin, as troops in the rear couldn't fire through their lines. Two, and, at most, three lines allowed volleys, fire and duck to reload.)

McClellan, as commander of the Army of Northern Virginia, devised an end to the war. Called the Peninsula Campaign, the plan was to sail the army to Hampton/Newport News, VA, then march to and seize Richmond, the Confederate capitol. Audacious, and might have worked, but Little Mac stalled on the approach, and the Rebel counterattacks took a terrible toll. McClellan was ordered to bring the army back to DC, where the Army was assigned to General John Pope.

Then Pope had his entire command nearly destroyed at the battle of Second Bull Run (Manassas), thoroughly drenching the already hallowed ground in much more blood, and, after at least two refusals (including Joe Hooker, where that term ensues), McClellan was offered the joint Army of the Potomac/Army of Northern Virginia.

(One mitigating factor at Second Bull Run was McClellan's alleged failure to move two of his divisions in timely support of Pope. The magnitude of this "lapse" was never persecuted, perhaps as the Federals attempted to downplay what was a total rout. I submit this supported by the fact that "press releases" of US battle casualties were halved.)

His reluctance to coordinate and order a simultaneous attack across the front of the outnumbered (56,000 Union soldiers to 34,000) Confederates, and his ultimate failure to engage an entire (XIIth) Corps, led to the bloodiest draw (and bloodiest day) in US history.

Antietam has been called a Union victory, with 12,4000 casualties to the Rebels' 10,300. Further, Lee was allowed to withdraw without pursuit.

Some victory, that.

The entire Army of Virginia was left to live and fight another day. So much for that singular victory McClellan believed he was called by God to deliver.

And, contrary to the belief of Pesident Lincoln, Secrretary of War Edwin Stanton, and General-in-Chief Henry Halleck, Lee's objective in crossing the Potomac River into Maryland was not DC, but Pennsylvania. And there he went.

But not before thousands and thousand more were killed and wounded in major battles at Fredricksburg, Chancellorsville, the Wilderness, and other, "lesser", battles.

Much is made about McClellan's popularity with the troops in his command. One point not made in any print I have seen is that, until Antietam, his reticence to fight kept them out of harm's way. Lee continually split his armies, a war no-no, trusting in that reticence to buy him the time to accomplish tertiary goals, such as overrunning the Federal Arsenal at Harper's Ferry, (now) West Virginia. McLaws' Division of Longstreets' Corps was still on the march from Harper's Ferry as the Confederates withdrew from the Dunker Church to bring to a ragged close the Morning Phase at Antietam.

To save the Union, a hard-drinking, harder-fighting, proven warrior from the West replaced McClellan, such that the Rebel invasion of the North was repulsed at Gettysburg. U. S. Grant delivered the decisive blow ordained on Little Mac.

The war began as a grand picnic. People from DC and Baltimore turned out en masse to watch the Union destroy the Seccesh at Manassas Junction. Two things intervened: that horrible rifling, and the fact the Union generalship, until Grant, couldn't lead a horse to water.

Just about anyone who has read Bruce Catton or the Time-Life Civil War series, or watched the Ken Burns documentary, would say had the Union had the Confederacy's generals, the war would have ended at First Bull Run.

As it was, those in attendance, looking to watch the equivalent of today's re-enactments, saw blood and gore beyond measure, then hid in their homes, expecting Johnny Reb to come knocking.

Re-enactments: how fucking stupid. These "players" must be guys who yearned for dolls as children, and were denied by "my boy ain't a sissy" dads. So now they dress theselves in period attire, and spend summer weekends sweating themselves silly in overblown woolens.

The only way I would go is if they used live ammunition.

This Stuff May Kill You

Some thoughts...

Did you know? After the millions and millions of dollars spent to remove asbestos, particularly from schools and hospitals, it is legal to install asbestos insulation. Why? any sane person would ask.

Because of the friendship of W R Grace and the Bush family.

Grace, who operated the vermiculite mine in Libby, Montana, that sickened nearly a third of the town with mesothelioma and asbestosis.

Vermiculite is a particularly insidious form of asbestos. The relatively tiny size of the fibers renders every standard filter useless.

Grace resisted issuing even the most rudimentary protection to workers. To do so would be to admit they knew there was a problem.

Mesothelioma has been rendered a joke by TV ambulance chasers. In fact, it is a long, slow, painful death.

Conditions in Libby were so bad that the wives who washed the miners' clothes contracted the diseases.

The dumbest president (until #40, #41, and, the clown dunce #43, lowered the bar to people who can't work a zipper) was Warren G Harding. His Teapot Dome held the 20th Century record for scandal until Nixon made Teapot Dome look like a joke. Seriously, does anyone even know what state Teapot Dome (an oilfield) is in?

Fact: not only are the Bushes idiots, they have the morals of badgers.

Chances are, unless you specced your home, it contains asbestos insulation.

Whatever happened to radon? It was the Hidden Killer, until the easy dollars for remediation went away and, apparently, so the threat. Except it is deemed responsible for 21,000 lung cancer deaths annually

Lead paint? The only way to easily recognize lead paint is, as it dries, and cracks, the cracks are square, not long strips.

There is an elemental reason for this. Minerals, salt, for instance, have the same shape regardless of size. Crystals. A salt crystal, whether molecular, Morton's table, sea salt, or rock salt, is always a cube, representing its most basic elemental structure.

Same as lead, which is also and always a cube.

Fishermen who use live bait have for years used lead "sinkers", weights to keep the bait from floating. And the preferred method of attaching the smaller weights, called split shot, is to bite the sinker split closed on the line.

Actually ingesting the lead, not just inhaling the undetectable paint "fumes", for lack of a better term.

Saw a couple of bluebirds and a bluejay, blue day. Some vultures in the road, feeding on animals that would still be breathing if people wouldn't drive so fucking fast.

It will not happen, but a 40 mph speed limit on 2-lane hiways, 50 mph on limited-access 4-lanes, and 60 mph on Interstates would save tens of millions of barrels of oil and generate millions in speeding revenues.

Take your time. Even on a tabletop like north central Indiana, there is lots to see.