...The Way You Look Tonight

I done you wrong: in my halfshit description of the battle of Antietam, I said the Union XII Corps was held in abeyance for the battle. In fact, the XIIth fought strongly and bravely on the Yankee right, and was soundly punished for its efforts

I sincerely apologize to the valiant XIIth, and to you, loyal reader, for this error.

Most of Fitz John Porter's Vth, and all of Franklin's VIth, were kept in reserve - 20,500 men.

Porter was a McClellan confidante, supporter, and lover. Okay, maybe not that last.

Shortly after McClellan spent a month sitting in Sharpsburg, while Lee not only withdrew but rebuilt his army, he was relieved of his command and sent to his house (literally). Fitz John Porter was court-martialed for disobeying Pope's orders during the slaughter of his army at Second Bull Run and cashiered.

Good riddance.

We have 22 close relatives (hominids) dating back some 7 million years. There are doubtless more, but the fossil record from about 8 m.y. to 6 m.y. ago is very sparse.

This is not linear descent: two or more species most often occurred concurrently. For instance, Neanderthals shared Europe with Cro-Magnons (now known as AMH's, Anatomically Modern Humans) for nearly 10,000 years. That's a bit. 10,000 years ago, Northern Indiana was covered in ice. 2 miles of ice. That ice "sheet" (a two-mile thick sheet?) brought every "granite" looking rock, from pea- sized to larger than a house (they're here) from Canada, from an area known today as the Canadian Shield. Big flat spot. Used to be mountains. Redistributed into the Midwest. By water.

By 1 1/2 m.y. ago, our appearance was distinctly human.

Think we are the be-all and end-all?

Please reconsider.

Neanderthal man had a larger brain. Maybe if we had larger brains, no one would vote Republican.

And no one has yet determined what, if anything, makes your brain different from Jeffrey Dahmer's, or Adolf Hitler's, or Charlie Manson's, or George Bush Junior's.

Except Junior's is the size of a walnut and cased in concrete.

Think that homo erectus is good stuff? Think our upright, two-legged posture is the cat's ass?

Well, we spent $17.2 BILLIONS on hip and knee surgery.

In 2009.

While our population grew at about one percent, hip and knee surgeries grew by almost 11%.

Useful tools, those joints.

What do you do with your arms when you got to bed? The best thing would be to take them off and put them somewhere handy, because they just aren't good slumber company.

And the way we look: you don't have to visit a jail, or a WalMart, to know we're a hideous lot. Surgery was developed to help the people most horribly disfigured, Joseph Merrick and such.

But what could lead to more normal lives became "elective", where vain darlings are nipped and tucked and tugged and pulled and smoothed, padding removed and transplanted and added. Like a fucking couch. All at the expense of those in desperate need of repair, who often can't afford procedures as the monied have priced them out of the "I am not an animal!" corrective market.

Hey, Cher! Make-up does wonders! Although it won't attach your boobs to your collar bone.
Ever seen Cameron Diaz au natural, as it were? My face would have made Joe Merrick feel better about his affliction, but Cameron couldn't pay me enough...

Does anyone doubt that, without a team of cosmetics artists, Lindsey Lohan wakes up looking just like every other crack whore in her cellblock?

So how do we look like tonight?

Like remodelled apes.

That it no way implies "improved". Want to see nobility, elegance, stoicism and serenity? Take a long look at a Silverback Gorilla. And hurry. We are hellbent to kill them all.

A last comment about McClellan and the battle of Antietam. Lee dictated a detailed timetable for all his troops for the days which culminated at Antietam, September 17th, 1862. Apparently, a copy of "Special Orders, No. 191", was recovered by Cpl. Barton W. Mitchell, Co. F, 12th Indiana, on September 13.

The Special Orders directed the movements of Lee's entire army. It was delivered to McClellan in late morning the next day. McClellan then provided resistance to Lee's every move, although not in sufficient strength to create much but harassment and hindrance.

In the hands of Lee, similar information would have led to a crushing blow to the Federal Army. With the caution and and delay which marked McClellans' truncated career, this historically singular opportunity was wasted. Lee was a bit befuddled that McClellan seemed to know exactly what he was doing, but, again, the damage was not critical.

Cpl. Mitchell was returned to his unit, where he was wounded on Tuesday, along with thousands of his brothers-in-arms, on the Bloodiest Day in US history, in a battle that could have been avoided.

In contrast, the sternest general in the war, Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, sent Pvt. William Hood up a tall hickory to reconnoiter. He was told to count flags, and called them out to Old Jack, as Yankee Sharpshooters zeroed in. Some days later, Hood's comrades saw him riding a horse with the staff, having been promoted to brigade courier for his service.

The Union's cause was right: its leadership was woefully wrong.